Why You Can’t ‘Just Move On’ After Cheating or Infidelity
And why that kind of advice often overlooks what you are really going through.
One of the most painful things women hear after discovering a partner’s betrayal is some version of:
“You need to let it go”
“It’s time to move on”
“Don’t let this define you”
“Now you can focus on the future”
Whether it comes from friends, family, professionals, or even the person who caused the harm, these words can land as confusing, invalidating, and isolating. They skip over the depth of what’s actually happened. Because here’s the truth: You can’t just move on from something that turned your world upside down and inside out. And trying to push through it, without space to process, without nervous system support, without someone who understands the complexity often leads to more hurt and doesn’t support healing.
What you are experiencing has a name.
When infidelity is paired with lies, secrecy, or emotional manipulation, it is not just a relationship issue. It is a relational trauma… it is betrayal trauma.
Betrayal trauma happens when the person you rely on for safety and trust is the one who causes the harm. When that harm involves repeated deception or gaslighting, the impact doesn’t just stay in your mind > it gets stored in your body, your nervous system, and your day-to-day functioning.
You may find yourself:
Obsessively thinking about what happened, trying to piece things together
Unable to concentrate or remember things clearly
Questioning your sense of self
Alternating between anxiety, numbness, rage, or complete shutdown
Struggling with everyday tasks, like work, parenting, or sleep
Carrying deep shame, even though you didn’t do anything wrong
^^ These aren’t signs of overreaction. They are the imprint of trauma and they show up not just in how you feel but in how you function. And this is exactly where support is needed; not just to understand what’s happening, but to gently rebuild the parts of life that have been disrupted.
As an Occupational Therapist (OT), I support women navigating the day-to-day impact of betrayal trauma. Often I hear:
“I don’t feel like myself anymore… I don’t even know who I am.”
“I can’t stop replaying things in my mind.”
“Why does everything feel so hard, even the simple stuff?”
“I can’t think straight. I’m so distracted and forgetful all the time.”
“I’m completely exhausted, but I can’t switch off or rest.”
“I’m struggling to be regulated”
“I can’t parent how I want and need to… I’m snappy, disconnected and not present”
In OT, we look at how life events disrupt the roles, routines, and rhythms that shape your identity and wellbeing. When your sense of safety is shattered, the systems that hold everyday life together… your memory, energy, decision-making, motivation can all be affected.
Betrayal trauma often shows up in:
Disrupted sleep, appetite, and concentration
Difficulty keeping up with parenting or work
Emotional dysregulation or shutdown
Loss of interest in things that once gave life meaning
Feeling detached from who you are or what you value
Healing from this kind of trauma isn’t just about processing emotions. It is about creating safety, choice, and meaning again in how you live day-to-day (and in your relationships, especially with yourself).
That might include:
Establishing safe, supportive routines
Reconnecting with things that regulate your nervous system
Exploring new (or familiar) roles that feel aligned with who you are now
Reclaiming a sense of agency in how you move through the world
You don’t have to “move on” quickly from this…
When others tell you to move on, it’s often about their discomfort, not about your process. They may want the pain to be more contained, as it is then easier to be around and so they don’t feel uncomfortable. But betrayal trauma isn’t straightforward or comfy… it’s layered, disorienting, and deeply personal. So please remember:
You’re not behind.
You’re not overreacting.
And you’re not failing at healing.
You’re responding in a very human way to something that touched every part of your life. And while healing may feel slow or uncertain, it is possible.
You don’t have to rush your way out of this.
You’re allowed to be where you are.
You’re allowed to need time.
And you’re allowed to seek support that acknowledges and respects what you’ve been through and helps you find your way forward.